Hold on Kev

Things don't look so bad from the other side of this here wall. In fact I can't see anything but mountains, clouds and sunshine in the background.. I think you're on the right path. Leave what you need behind, and find what else is out there. Feel the ground underneath your feet, it will soon change its meaning.. you'll see. Don't freak out like that again, it'll all be alright, we'll all float on.. we'll all see eachother in the next life anyway. Put away your thoughts about death, let them come to you when they are supposed to come to you. What are you preparing for? What let down are you trying to protect yourself from. Let downs are a part of life, something will leave your life, just as fast as it came. You're worried about people around you passing away, you're worried about feelings passing away, you're worried constantly. Would you please stop it? You're starting to confuse yourself, and worrying so much can't be good for your health.

Find something else.. find a muse that isn't so close to your heart. You want to expose your raw heart to everyone, but soon enough people start scratching away at its sensitive surface. You have no more surface, people can see straight to your core. Why would you make yourself so vulnerable? Why are you writing this? What are people thinking right now about someone who they really don't know. They're probably just innocent internet users, browsing for something to waste their time.

Here's something to check out while you're screwin around on the net.

» My Morning Jacket - Live at Bonaroo 2004

» Built To Spill photos

Afternoon at the park

To feel the passing of, to feel the sense of watching it fall to the side.. The feeling of watching it go. A bird has gotten out of its cage. It is off to find greater horizons and farther distances of the universe. I understand now.. all this time it could have been easy, if we had never met, I wouldn't be where I am now.. a changed person, a bit brighter, a lot more relaxed, and a lot more positive. For all those times I was negative, I deeply apologize. Now it is time to move on into the future.. Somewhere in my briefcase I'll always hold on to that special pencil, the same pencil I've written all your stories with.. The same pencil I've said goodbye with... the same pencil that I will have to throw away once it has reached its end. The eraser has run down, and there are no more corrections to make. So long to the spirit of what used to be..

This ditty is gone..

I made this acoustic song tonight on my four track, and the words were inspired by the feeling of forgetting something because you've been up way too late thinking about it. You've thought so much that you forgot what you were thinking about... the song is entitled Goner.. what a funny word, gone. Enjoy the ditty.. wish I could put the music up here.. maybe someday.

Goner:

Bed, I haven't gone to bed,
in seven days my head,
awake and barely dead..
I sit and think of you.
You haven't gone to bed,
to bed inside my head.
Lay down, down here.. until I,
Go to bed.

And now you're gone,
you're gone now far away.
A way to get you back,
inside these little hands,
these hands that felt it slip..
Away and now it's gone
gone.. inside my head
gone.. gone to bed
gone

Bed, I haven't gone to bed,
in seven days my head..

I sit and think of you.

A story

A man told a kid this story, and eventually all of the kids around him started to hear the story as well, and before you know it.. the kid was famous for some story he knew. It's march 12th and I'm already thinking about Christmas again.. perhaps I shall put on Home Alone 1 tonight.. sounds right. Today was fun, sat around and looked at all my sweet drawings I'm creating for this project i'm doing. The video is all complete, and it'll all make sense here in another month.

You know that feeling when you've spent so much of your mental energy, that you just can't think anymore, you kind of just shut off.. and zone out? It's a crazy feeling, very empty, very unfulfilling, and very scared. That the whole world is crashing in around you, and you are stuck in this little room of blank walls, and you can't get out. Life is going to pass me by and I'll be stuck in a little room my whole life. Simple answer to this problem, but at the time of the problem, the answer isn't there. Oh how we all wish it was, but it never comes. People like me, we'll analyze every moment until we are happy with every second we have. Making sure that good things come my way, that I'm breathing close to the top, instead of suffocating at the bottom. I don't feel as if I'm apart of this wonderful little rat race, but at the same time, I feel as if I have no choice but to either watch it or be in it. Watching it makes me pissed off, because I bitch about how good things should be, but being in the rat race just makes me empty. I feel as though so many other people feel like this. Yet, we won't give up our wonderful neccessities to make our lives a little less work-related. hey, let's go get an orange frapuccino at starhumperbucks.

Really into music lately

So I went from basically hating music, cycling through old playlists.. but then I found the nearby library. I'm checking out weird shit like mozart, next to local bands, next to indie-rock, and it's just weird, but it feels good to finally be into music again.

I can't seem to get Guided By Voices - Do the Collapse out of my head, out of my cd player, out of my life.. It's a tremendous album. I've also gotten into the Trainspotting soundtrack while I'm at work. There are some damn good songs on that cd. What else, let's see. I've been creating a lot of work on my four track, and I'm in the process of making a "go to bed" tape. Songs I think will eventually help me fall asleep, and if that tape can help me fall asleep, then I think I have something going, and I can sell it.. for the cheap of course. Lately I've been wanting to start my fourth doublethink, but I just have way too much shit going on.

I've been putting off projects, and I've been real empty for some reason for the past month or so. I'll have these bursts of creativity, then they just vanish in midswing. Attention Defecit Disorders are just barking my name. There is just way too much in this world calling my name right now, and I feel like I have to answer to all these opportunities, right now.. so my ship doesn't end up sailing away without me on it. The fear of being left behind.. whoa, that came out of left field. Ask yourself if you have the same fear.. it's quite sobering to realize it.

I've also noticed that I bitch a lot, I'm making that a personal goal this week, to not bitch and whine so much. You could say I've been in a bad mood. My friend, the almighty computer.. You let me spooge my words to you, and you pleasantly sit their with your beautifully colored monitor, just smiling at me. I guess to some people a journal looks like that, or an open book, or another person. I feed my power through my fingers, through my pen, and I let my mouth drown those things out sometime. So I'm just realizing this is all pretty clear. I just need to move on, and let this weird ass current I'm riding on, just take me where it will. I'm done trying to fight it, and try to figure it out. If I could, I would shoot my current self. So that I can say goodbye and move into this new skin. Like a snake who slowly slides out of it's dryed up skin. I'm thinking things will be alright. More confidence in your fellow man, my friend.. that's all you need.

To anyone who has sat through this long and blabbering entry.. much love.

The opening guitar riff on "Wrecking Now" - Do the Collapse - Guided By Voices