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hibernation

n 1: the torpid or resting state in which some animals pass the winter 2: cessation from or slowing of activity during the winter; especially slowing of metabolism in some animals 3: the act of retiring into inactivity; "he emerged from his hibernation to make his first appearance in several years"

Last Ounce of Energy

Here it is.. I'm done.. complete.. finalized.. ready to turn in. I've been thinking for awhile.. why do people tell their life stories on the internet? Is it that they'll find someone who is totally into that, or is it based on ego. The more people who see you, the better you feel.. as though you're making your difference life. It seems we all grow up with this notion that we have to be an individual and we have to do something that no one else can do. It's a huge march to the top of "who can do the coolest thing" first.. who can do it the longest.. and who can outlast everyone else.

I've been recently feeling this, because it seems like all of this shit I'm making is just to get noticed. By whom?! Who am I trying to reach? Who in the audience am I trying to look into the eye, and see if what I've done or said has made a difference.

And they'll judge you on how good of a difference you've made. Just look at our top leaders in this world. They're either good people or they're bad people just because of a few issues they disagree on. One single issue can make someone vote against a candidate. In Iraq they're scared that by choosing the right guy, they might be in more danger. Insurgents won't want him in power, so they'll fight harder.

Man.. take a deep breath. There is so much war in my mind.. There is so much war going on every single day of the year. It's a climate of war and hate... and it's making everyone irritated, scared, fearful, anxious, worried, Screw that thought. How about when you see someone less fortunate than you.. are you supposed to look at them and feel sorry, but blessed that you're not like that? That's twisted. I can't help the fact that some people are born the way they are, or the fact that great disasters fall upon millions of people... I'm not in control, and neither are you.. I don't know about you but I'm pretty sick of feeling guilty of trying to do my own thing.

But then you think.. hey stop f*cking talking, go to bed, wake up tomorrow morning with a better mind on your shoulders.. you'll be fine.

Progress

Enough about women already.. am I right, or am I right? Let's get on with biznass. My movie The Big Picture has been coming along.. I've posted some new illustrations on that journal site. Crap this is turning into news. Anyway, I was wondering why I post so many random thoughts on the internet, and I wonder why would anyone want to read them. Then I came up with the conclusion that it's not really about the people who are reading this (if there are any)... it's rather just about me letting shit escape from my brain, so that it doesn't start stacking up. It's either this, or I talk your ear off.. all day. I am the first to admit that I talk a lot. So I'll go for now. See ya soon.

show off

you fear something, therefore you make up for it by overcompensating for your insecurity. it's actually quite attractive, if not a bit juvenile. I'll make you a deal.. if you're interested, then I'll be hearing from you.

One night...

Ms. Gore if you're reading this.. welcome to something you never thought you'd read. To the person who gave me a successful goodbye, I thank you. For all the music and visuals I heard, I thank you.. it was a great night. Lord of the Yum Yum is my new hero. If it was Christmas again, I'd be happy.. but it's not, and spring is about to come.. so we shall get ready for the easter bunny to appear and bring us loads of shit we don't need. I love the fact that i believed in that stuff as long as I did. Innocence is what we all lack. Every last one of us, to the teachers to the business men on the 29th floor of an important building. We shall educate the future.. our children, they are the important bits of information we are overlooking in this media-whored world. We're forgetting the fact that they're actually children, and not something to get mommy and daddy to spend more money on. So again, this is a welcome to my little head of mine. View it as you please, all constructive criticism should be left with me... at the front door where it belongs. Peace to everyone involved. change is coming..

Listening to: Time After Time by Cyndi Lauper.. watch Napoleon Dynamite

Then I feel .. pretty blissfully

Wow, have I been a headcase lately... just look at what I've been writing. Saying desperate goodbyes to friends, claiming I know all about god and shit like that.. I don't know anything more than the person next to me. We're all just people on this planet for a short time. We live, we die.. and then... ???????? The "and then" is what I suppose I've been searching for for so long.. but eh, what's the use? Searching for the "and then" keeps me thinking about the future too much, when in fact I should be thinking about how I could be making this moment better. Right now, I'm preparing to graduate with flying colors, making a project that I've been waiting to make for 2 years. I've been putting off graduating because I wanted my last project to be special... to be a masterpiece that I can look back and say that college was worth it.

I've been buying a lot of books online, trying to increase my need for literature. I'm a horrible reader.. I read the same paragraph like 10 times before I finally get to the next one. I'm bad at reading because my mind wanders too much. One sentence can turn into an adventure in my imagination.... which makes reading novels impossible.

I'm off track.. What i mean is that.. I've been a little over the top lately.. a bit too dramatic, and now I'm done doing that for the meanwhile.. and I'm about to step into the next point in my life. Which includes a huge movie project, new people, and a new future. Look at me.. i'm Mr. Optimistic... wooohooo... let's make a movie.

A lot to forget

So I basically got my mind cleared from a very enlightening person. Put so many things in perspective, as always, but I appreciate it a bit more this time. Today I didn't wake up until 11:30am. I finally caught up on all the sleep my body hasn't had in the past two months. I feel like I could do this every day, but I can only indulge once in a while. I had a very cool dream as well. Today was pretty blah, until I went home to my rents for a late-birthday dinner. Created some cool artwork which I just finished a bit ago, and now I'm heading to bed. Tomorrow starts the beginning of my movie project, and I'll look into meeting new people.. we'll see how that goes. please don't kill anyone today..

I got to thinking

Looking at pictures of the people I love, I realize that one day I will have to say goodbye to each and every one of them. This isn't going to be a depressing post, I promise. More of like, a boost of something yummy... something like buttered toast and chocolate milk. Yes.........

Funeral is a funny word isn't it? It's like the sound of the word funeral brings everyone into an uneasy state of mind. Perhaps more than others.. But the reason I bring this is up, is because I thought about that one day, that one solitary moment in time when I myself will have a funeral. Got me thinking about how many people I know, it also got me thinking about how many people I could have the possibility of affecting through my actions.

I gave a talk one time at a catholic retreat for high school seniors, about Being Christian. What the hell did I know, and who was I to tell people how to be Christians. But I thought about it differently.. it's not about being christian, it's about acting good towards others.. Strip the titles of christian, and what you get is Being A Decent Individual.. I told the seniors that it's not about sitting back and just observing your faith, but exploring it, and living it each day just in the way you act to people. Whatever you believe in, believe in it hull heartedly.. and share that passion with other people. The world needs a fire lit inside of it, and it only starts with us.

So then this got me to thinking that on the day I die.. I hope I am remembered by the people in my life in a good way. I want a celebration on the day I die.. I want people to say that the future was a helluva lot brighter since the day I was born. Man that sounds egocentric.. but I mean it all in heart.. I hope I am remembered for helping the people I love.. I hope that people tell stories of how one day some kid drew a bunch of weird art, and it inspired a million people.

Or perhaps I'll outlast all of you.. and have to say crazy things like this at all your funerals. I must be insane to think things like this. Why doesn't anyone else ever talk about funerals, or death, or scary things like that.. are there others out there who aren't freaked out about this.. ? Honestly... the lord himself gave me an odd brain. And every time I pray, or what not.. I thank him for this nutty mind of mine.. he did a great job.

pssssssssssst.. it's my birthday today

New Year's Day

January 1st, 2005 has come, and with it.. many good feelings. I've been hyper creative today, and am drawing some wicked drawings.. I like today, I like that today even happened.. and that I'm finally moving on with many thoughts that have been holding me down. This all seems pointless and meaningless to you, but in this little world of mine, what ever creates comfort in my mind is amazing.

There are a million and one things in my mind right now.. ready to say.. ready to be written. But it's a new year, and that means taking the trash out. I will say goodbye to all of my previous thoughts, thoughts that have cluttered my brain, cluttered my life, and cluttered my thinking. Old things aren't worth worry about..

I'm ready to create music, I'm ready to create art, I'm ready to make incredibly ambitious goals.. tis the new year.