Those who have past

I'm thinking right now about the events of Columbine April 9, 1999... I'm thinking of what it took for those kids to snap. What made them want to take revenge to the maximum level.. I think about the people who were victiims of this horror, and it makes me incredibly sad to know that they just thought it was a normal day at school..

I also think about the people who were taken in the Tsunami in the Indian Ocean... so many people thought that day was just a regular, normal, go about your business day. The next minute they were fighting for their lives, and eventually losing the fight.

There is a feeling going through me.. a coldness, a shivering nervousness.. what in god's name is going on in this world? Why is everything we see and hear in today's world just a report of who's dying every day. WHY IS DEATH ALL WE HEAR AND TALK ABOUT!!!!! WHY!?!?!?!?!

After Columbine happened, I found a star in the sky.. I believed it to be one of the victims of that terrible day.. I believed that I could communicate with this star, as a source of comfort, and it gave me the chance to talk about death to someone.. who really couldn't speak back to me. I've only told one person this.. her name is Anne Kennedy (Kristek).. The person I talk to, the brightest star in the sky, she is my angel.. I don't physically know this.. but I feel it. I feel the presence of the past... whether it's something that reminds me of my grandmother.. or reminds me of a wonderful person I knew once as Gertrude Reimer.. I feel their warmth in the memory of them.. I see sunsets that remind me of a time spent with someone who has since past.

I think a lot while I drive.. I think a lot about death, I think a lot about the after life.. i think a lot about the present, I think a lot about things I really shouldn't be thinking about. I think way too much.. in fact I also worry about things way too much.

Let's talk about heaven.. since I don't believe in any physical or mental god.. what do i believe in? I believe that nature is god. I believe the moon and the sun are the source of life for this planet we live on. Without them, we have no energy, we have no source of life. In heaven, I believe there is no such thing as heaven. Heaven is a term that is made up to believe that when we die, everything will be alright.. It'll make you feel better about the fact that you will eventually die alone. There will be no one going with you.. There is no hell, hell is a place that was made up for people to stay out of trouble. People are tempted towards trouble.. therefore hell looks like an evil place. Heaven is an evil place as well.. We have people down here swearing their life to a god they hardly truely know... and they'll pay every last penny in the sunday collection.. just to get to heaven. Just to make sure they're in good with god. So that when they die, they'll be granted into a wonderful, cloud scape of heavenly delight. The pearly gates? Perhaps in your dream of what heaven is like.. their is such a thing. But the way I see it, we all die, we end ... our soul carries on through the living, and we eventually get reborn.. mabe we don't get reborn.. but in the end.. when we're dead.. we're dead.. we don't exist.. No heaven.. No hell.. No god judging you.. telling you that you were a bad person, and that you didn't say enough hail mary's or our father's.. that you didn't repeat the words in mass word for word, and that you didn't sing all the songs, or go up for eucharist and receive the body and blood.. and think that you were being duped.

I've had it.. it's a new year.. I'm flat out saying I don't believe in the catholic religion that I was raised on. if I have any sense of what god is.. then that's what's between me and what I think god is. I pray the way I want to... I go to church in so many different ways than the rest of you do... I don't even know what you would give a f*ck what I'm talking about.. or why I have such a one-sided opinion on all this.

This is all about me.. trying to get past this burden of Catholicism. It's a burden because they make you feel guilty for leaving it.. or abandoning it's beliefs.. If you don't believe in god, then you aren't of this earth. Perhaps that's how I feel. Perhaps that's how I was born... a person who could never settle with the simple answer... I really have no clue why anyone would be reading all of this.. but if you have.. then I've finally gotten something off my chest that I've wanted to get off for awhile... Thank you for reading.. I see great things in the future for everyone.. If god does come again to judge the living and the dead.. then it shall be the greatest day ever... because then we would all shit our pants at the fact that god is going to judge us on that day.. and no one would be prepared.. and all those people who say they were faithful.. we'll see how they measure up.. We'll see if they have enough money to pay off god for a visit to heaven.

death my friend.. will come to you some day. explore it... enjoy it.. and never forget it.

The Greatest Year

Here's to 2004, perhaps the greatest year of my short existance thus far. 2004 was packed full of suprising events, unexpected friendships, and crazy thoughts of progression and accomplishment. It was also a year full of hard decisions and personal ultimatums. So much has happened, and it seems my list of positives have out-weighed my list of negatives, finally. 2004 was the year of work and struggle, so I foresee 2005 being the reward of that, as well as the continuing struggle to stay on top of my game. It will be the year of optimism, change, ultimate decision making. I don't know what the next 5 or 10 or 15 years have in store for me, but I'm going to take one day at a time, and enjoy the upcoming year. 2004 went at a great pace, and I appreciated every season for the first time. Life has changed, so must I... this is going to be a great year. Cheers to everyone.

oh, I forgot to mention this bit of luck. Walking to my apartment last night, I crossed the street, and looked down in the snow, and what should I find... but a brand new twenty dollar bill. In the words of Napolean Dynamite... "lucky"

Remember to remember

The place in my mind is a room, the moment is when we were deciding which bus to take, and I took a snapshot. I don't miss the technicalities... I miss the small fuckups. I saw a planet that night, but I swear you showed me the world all in a short 10 day getaway. A destination that wouldn't have happened without your persistance, and yet again.. I am humbled to say that without your persistance, I wouldn't be at the destination I am now. If there was ever one person I respect the most, its you. That will never change... My future will never understand that.. but my past knows it all too well. I always say.. good friends are good to have. My friends, my family..

a bridge

This is the idea. A shot by shot building of a suspension bridge... It grows and the threads loop through the holes and create strength for the road to suspend from. A flat area of land in the background is untouched, and undisturbed. Once the bridge is finished, a slow-motion scene of the first person walking onto the new ground, which the bridge now connects. A city bursts from the seams and grows from the ground.. large, basic buildings, and then windows grow in, antennas, powerlines, everything grows... powerlines suspend from this new city onto another undaultered land... and then powerlines keep growing from one land to the next... camera angles change and powerlines go into the distance. Zoom out to view of the globe. Circles (represent tops of heads) fill the land, the water is not filled with circles.. shows the virginity of the ocean, that humans will never live on or under. This is going to be a grand animation.

Blue sky, cold air

The sky is so silent, without any clouds.
The buildings become hazed in the saturating sun.
Smoke rises quickly, fades into the air.
A flag waves far in the december wind.
As I watch the airplanes fly overhead..
Streaks of white they'll leave behind.

This quiet afternoon of mine.

kmf, 12.15.04

It's that white stuff !

IT'S SNOWING!!!! Not really accumulating, but none the less, coming down in wonderful snowflake shapes.. And it's windy as all heck too. Ah yes, the winter has officially bit us in the rear end. The first snow is always something to be happy about, much like a child's first tooth, or the first time a young boy doesn't pee the bed at night... it's that cool. It's so much better when the little things are the big things in your day. Have a great day everyone..

Stuck in rewind

You tell me what you want, and I'll tell you what you get.. You get away from me.

Well that is that, and this is this.. Will you tell me what you saw? And I'll tell you what you missed.. When the ocean met the sky. You missed when time and life shook hands and said goodbye.

For the last time, I will say goodbye to you. The sky is too blue, and the sun is too bright to keep remembering the thoughts of you. My friend, you were that beautiful flower in my day. But no longer.. I've picked you out of the garden, and you've wiltered from my hands. Fall now to the earth, and be rebuilt again....

I'll tell you why I can't sleep

Let's see if I can remember enough to make this interesting.

I was riding my bike in a weird neighborhood, when I went to ride underneath a big overpass, a bunch of men appeared, one grabbed my bike handles and brought me to a stop. They crowded around me as I tried to reverse and ride away, but they got me
.... I woke up.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
I was living in this huge house, and one day my friend and I knew something wasn't up.. we saw blood on the floor and followed it to the bathroom. We saw a young man on the floor bleeding, and immediately saw that he had cut his wrists. I didn't think about how gross it was, or even the thought of throwing up.. I can remember the feeling of holding his wrist tight to stop the bleeding. I could feel the blood in his veins pumping and spilling out. An ambulance came and took him away, but he didn't make it... he was dead before they got there. A bunch of people started to crowd around the scene, some throwing up at the sight of blood everywhere. I paced around the house crying and very disturbed. A female friend was there to comfort me, and we decided to leave. The news spread quick around the small town, and before long it was part of every conversation. While driving around, we were stopped by a few people asking what had happened, rumors were flying.. but I knew exactly what had happened.
.... I woke up
- - - - - - - - - - - -
...Later we bought beer and were drinking it in the car, getting drunk and trying to forget the day. A policeman pulled us over at a seatbelt checkpoint. We didn't have our's on and I panicked because there was beer everywhere. He got me out of the car, and I tried my best to plea with him.. faking tears and explaining that my friend had just died, "please just let us go, so we can get home." The next thing I remember we had pulled over on the side of a street. There were a group of men hanging around outside a small building. They surrounded the car, reached in through the half open windows, and threatened to rob us
..... I woke up.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
We were in a department store, and I turned to look at my friend, and she told me she loved me, we thought we had the whole world to ourselves, and we were happy. I went to kiss her.... I woke up.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
I remember a dog for some reason... All I remember is the dog's face, and the feeling like it was trying to tell me something. I think it was Maggie.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Flashbacks kept running through my head.. all I could see were pools of blood, and the haunting memory of watching someone die earlier that day, as I held his arms tighter and tighter... the flashbacks occurred even after I had woke up.
- - - - - - - - - - - -
I was put in charge of a group of people, and we were supposed to be going somewhere. Myself and the other person in charge thought it would be funny to tell everyone that they were going to be late, when in fact we knew they were on time. Everyone hurried to get ready, and we smiled...

...Out of nowhere I felt a couple tugs on my ear, with what felt like someone's lips. I turned to see who it was, and saw that it was an old friend from high school. I looked in her eyes, and attempted to kiss her.
.... I woke up

Clear Blue Sky

Hard days are hard... good days are good, but awesome days are amazing.