Hold that thought

The reason I want to talk to you so much is because I have so much on my mind. I need a voice of reason, I need your opinion, I need, I need, I need.... it's killing me. Why am I looking to people for my answers? Why aren't I out there figuring shit out, without being sentimental, and without regretting a single damn thing? And why - the - hell do I ask so many freaking questions? agh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What is it? Do I need medicine? Do I need some sort of pill to calm this brain? Please don't tell me yes. I'm doing this for attention. I create art to get the attention of people. I talk to get the attention of other people. I live to get attention from other people. How many times could you ever admit that to yourself?

Everyone's out for attention. Everyone wants the eyes on them... they want to change the world, inside their cubicles, and their board rooms.. everyone wants to win. So I'm on the train... how about you? Why not get to the top, why not shine, and have everyone praising your name?

This mind goes far too deap for itself sometimes. It's starting to catch up on the physical well-being of my body, and it's keeping me awake at night. I only have a few releases to get these thoughts out of my brain, but that's it. I wish I was making a living helping people like me. People who don't get this world on the first try... people who have to have things spelled out for them slowly, people who learn primarily from images and colors. Why the hell can't I just fit into their pre-formed mold? Why the hell does it seem like everyone else is a hundred miles away? Everyone... down to the very last person to pass me today. Am I really here?

I know what drives me, I know what loves me, and I know that I love too many things to always be so negative and cynical. This is always sappy, and I write as if someone will understand each word in every line. But no one ever will. And then you get me thinking about god.... and you want to understand why I really have a hard time believing in some ghost with a cool story... i hate to tell you, but it just seems fake to me. My heart isn't in religion anymore... my heart belongs to my passions, whether that be artistic or environmental. Those are the places I find your definition of god... those are my daily prayers and what have you.

I suppose I should try to find someone else to talk to... you seem to be a bit busy at the moment.

Lighten the Load

Seems to me that I have a problem with trust. I don't trust that your future will be good enough for you. I don't trust your surroundings... but I should. I've needed from you way too long... I will go now. It's been real.

My thoughts were so loud...

I couldn't hear my mouth. It seems as though my subconscience thoughts are talking to me. They've appeared in dreams lately, and are trying to tell me so many things. I can't quite comprehend what they are all saying, but hopefully soon I will be able to interpret them. Maybe this is what the holy spirit feels like... you know they say the day the holy spirit showed itself, every person around was speaking in different languages. Imagine what that must have been like.. and now cram that event into my brain. There are two kevin's I'm trying to talk to right now.. the kevin that wants to get out and explore and do... and the kevin who wants to indulge in life's luxuries. I'm not sure which one is connecting to me more.. but something's gotta give. This personality is split like the people of America. Two totally opposite sides not wanting anything to do with the other side. And I'm in the clouds above it all, watching this brain unfold. There's trouble underneath this skin, there's a wilting seed inside this core...

I've been confused since I was a kid. I was the one who wouldn't stop asking why. Mommy... why am I so confused? [Do you see people... do you understand the weirdness I have to deal with?]

stop it..

ok.. enough political talk.. get back to work

jump!!!!!!

To put it in honest terms.. the world needs more good. There are good things that happen every day. To me, it just seems anymore that the bad outweighs the good. Turn on your television to the first news channel you can find, and within 5 minutes you will hear about a tragedy, read about a tragedy as it casually scrolls at the bottom, and see how that tragedy is affecting the stock market. Simple answer.... turn off the television. Anymore, television is that cigarette you always crave, it's a temptation to see the world, live in action... blood, guts, war, the whole nine yards. Quitting is easy..... right?!

I don't know where I stand on all this.. I'm pretty much holding onto the fence like the rest of America, putting our fate into our government. I honestly don't know if the government is doing anything bad towards me personally... but I have no clue if it's actually doing anything good either. I mean, look what happened on Tuesday, September 11, 2001 ........................ Anyway. All that we know is that our government is the beating heart of this entire nation. We might have a good heart, but the brain controlling it makes us all nervous.

Do we look away and pretend it's not happening? Do we attach ourselves to every last drop of information and act concerned? What the hell is the answer?!?!?! Where do we part this sea of shit that we float in? How do we say just enough to make a point, but not too much as to lose the point entirely?

I could just keep my mouth shut, ignore all of this, go through my daily life as if I'm happy that we're all surrounded by this culture of fear. Or I could put my pen to the paper and let you all know how I feel. This is more than just frustration about an election.. this is frustration about this whole world. It's a beautiful world, and all we can do is detroy IT, and ITS PEOPLE.... was that really God's plan?

World Peace is a grand concept.... but even the most elaborate schemes in my head won't ever matter in the now. Skepticism: my thoughts and opinions cannot affect the government at large..... Optimism: my thoughts and opions can affect myself and the people around me. We must strive for World Peace. Only in a society like today's, would there be a battle for World Peace. I wish I could talk to Mr. Bin Laden.... I would sit and listen to every reason he had for ordering the attacks. I would ask him if doing all of that has helped or hurt his people become free. Then I would ask him what we could do to live in peace with eachother. I want to ask him what his vision of World Peace would look like. I bet I'd be suprised.

Today I spent my afternoon outside, the weather was great....

CIA Spook

please.. for one moment of your day... Put yourself in their shoes. I'm talking about the shoes of the innocent civilians in the Middle East who have to survive everyday through violence, death, and destruction. For one moment, think about them.. If you had to live this way, you would hate us too.

The problem is, the men physically in charge of destroying estimately 3,000 people's lives that day... they are already dead. They have had their justice served. What next... going after one terrorist wouldn't stop this, so you took upon yourself to bring a stop to world terrorism. Are you living in a dream world? Violence vs. Violence leads everyone nowhere. So Iraq was your band-aid, the one little boo boo you could fix, but sir.... you have it completely wrong. Your army isn't scaring them, in fact it's making them hate more. It's making the Middle East, and the world, more threatening.. and the fear we all swim in because of this threatens our everyday lives.

I know it must have been a tough decision.. what do you do? Who do you find? How do you go about correcting the wrong that was September 11, 2001. The problem is... there is no fix. Those people died, and no amount of war will ever lift those people magically from their graves.

But these words don't matter... The world's problems are much too massive for one person to handle. So why the hell does Bush think he has that power.... that god given blessing of turning this world into a euphoria elaborately designed in his mind? A pathological liar soon believes his own lies, and in turn lives a daily lie. You won this election because you've instilled this euphoria into our heads... that will never happen... that we will never see completed in the next horrifying 4 years with you as our president. You are not the answer to the world's problems. You are a problem. You are a cause of hate. And in what book does it say that god is on george bush's side?

The dust settles

What can we do now? But sit back and watch a lunatic at work. It's not that I understand every aspect of every thing that goes on with Bush and his administration in the white house, it's that a man with his own cocky agenda is running this great country. One person, with so much control, using it the wrong way. He's a disgrace to our reputation world wide, and is staining the world with "patriotic american" rhetoric. He can't accept that people are different, and that other cultures run on what they believe to be a good system for their society. How can it be ok to disrupt a nation, just to force feed democracy to them. Iraqi freedom? wtf? I thought this was going to be a war to target individual terrorist groups, instead we invade a country, and somehow the world has gotten a helluva lot more dangerous. Not only are there more terrorists and terrorism, there is more hatred and seperation within the world....... just because of ONE person. Who the dumbasses of America voted for. Good job people, keep it up, can't wait to see who you vote for next time.

There is no god

We are all doomed to live in a world of hell, george bush wins again. thanks america! thanks a f*cking lot! i hope those of you who voted bush, welcome the thought of sending more soldiers home dead, with more worldly alliances torn apart, and more people hating us, just because of our "leader".... for those of us who voted Kerry, we know this country wanted him to win. Conservative mind f*cks... those are the people who are blinded by bush's evil grin, and mumbling rhetoric. i'm moving out of this country.... everyone together now... "god bless america.." yeah, right.

October 31st, 2004

happy halloween to everyone involved. this one seems to be a bit more scarier than the previous ones, with the Nov. 2nd voting fiasco coming up. I managed to buy a last minute pumpkin and carved it.. one side has a classic scary face on it, and the other side has a christmas tree cutout.. it looks nice. I began a huge mural today, stretching from the ceiling to just above the floor.. it's big. My creative juices and energy are complete exhausted now. I look forward to showing this piece in my upcoming art fair appearance.. dec. 4 and 5 at School 30. Hope everyone got at least some candy tonight. Two years ago on this date, I was in Florida... interesting. Goodnight.