I get up on my own..

Damn, it's been awhile since i've had an original thought. Everything I've been talking about and saying has been based on previous assumptions, beliefs, and thoughts. I haven't begun to grow into the real person I know I can be. I'm telling myself that I want the old kevin back, but it just hasn't happened yet. I want the summers at the lake back, I want the friendships and relationships I had in the past back, I want everything back that I used to call my own. Now that I'm thousands of miles away from all of those things, I seem to forget that they are in the past, and if I spend my whole life trying to change the past, then I'll never be able to see the future.

Death, what is it to all of us? The reason we live? The reason we sit around and do nothing? The fear of doing something we know might kill us . The fear list goes on and on with me, and I'm about to erupt with extreme measures if I don't start letting some of my fears go. I'm afraid of letting go of people that I felt comfortable with. I lie to myself and say I don' t think about the things that scare me, but I think about them every day. I think about the traffic I cross, and will it hit me today? Will today be the end of Kevin? And if it was, who would care.. would it matter.. would the earth be different without me? I'd say no.

The world is just a massive ball of elements.. earth, sky.. space. We are just visiting this planet for 90 or so years. It's been around quadrupagazillionbilliontrillion years. As long as I make it look like I'm trying to make my 90 years of that infinity look important. Every person I meet, every person I pass.. do they know me, will they know me, does it even matter if they ever know me? A person's existance in this world survives on their own imagination of what this world is all about.

Our own thoughts on god, our own thoughts on wrong and right.. Since our for-fathers thought it was right, it must be right for us. Our whole existance is made up. Animals breathe life and then they die.. They just don't have the convenience and comfort of watching 'must see t.v.' on mondays and wednesdays to make them feel better about the fact that they stay in all day, don't have a life, and depend on t.v. to make themselves happy.

I've thought about this for awhile, and I come to stand in front of what I call god, and I ask.. What the fuck is my puporse here, if you intend on making me spend my life around a humanity that was raised on imagination? I can't stray, because if I do, then my taxes aren't paid, I'm not doing my part to contribute to society. A society that thinks a certain norm is exactly what you have to be in order to get anywhere in life. All there is, are top jobs in high-rise buildings, where all you need is a good sense of fashion, a personality made up to make you seem profitable, and a sense of business that will make even the virgin mary cum in her pants.

Get me out of here. You people on t.v. scare the crap out of me, the psychos just waiting to snap at the corner of the street, you scare the crap out of me, because I fear that someday some jackass will take my life, and I won't be able to live my damn life in peace. I give up.. You win.. You've scared the crap out of me, good job. You've made it possible that I live my life in fear. Hooray.. You get to be on t.v... chopping people's heads off, blowing people up, taking innocent lives at will... Good job!!!!! You did it!! You scare the crap out of the whole world..

Now what is it you really want? What is it we all really want? What do I really want? I don't know. I just want to wake up one day to no sounds of alarms, horrible headlines, slayings, war, murders, blood baths.... you name it. Just once, I would like to escape all of this. Heaven, or whatever you want to call it, has to be better than this.. Even if it's a black void of nothing that we go into when we die... Perhaps it's an eternal feeling of.... OH FUCK!!!!!!!.... at least there won't be this made up world of war, violence, and hate that we all live in.

Find what is important, and remember it the rest of your life.

Goodnight.