Those who have past

I'm thinking right now about the events of Columbine April 9, 1999... I'm thinking of what it took for those kids to snap. What made them want to take revenge to the maximum level.. I think about the people who were victiims of this horror, and it makes me incredibly sad to know that they just thought it was a normal day at school..

I also think about the people who were taken in the Tsunami in the Indian Ocean... so many people thought that day was just a regular, normal, go about your business day. The next minute they were fighting for their lives, and eventually losing the fight.

There is a feeling going through me.. a coldness, a shivering nervousness.. what in god's name is going on in this world? Why is everything we see and hear in today's world just a report of who's dying every day. WHY IS DEATH ALL WE HEAR AND TALK ABOUT!!!!! WHY!?!?!?!?!

After Columbine happened, I found a star in the sky.. I believed it to be one of the victims of that terrible day.. I believed that I could communicate with this star, as a source of comfort, and it gave me the chance to talk about death to someone.. who really couldn't speak back to me. I've only told one person this.. her name is Anne Kennedy (Kristek).. The person I talk to, the brightest star in the sky, she is my angel.. I don't physically know this.. but I feel it. I feel the presence of the past... whether it's something that reminds me of my grandmother.. or reminds me of a wonderful person I knew once as Gertrude Reimer.. I feel their warmth in the memory of them.. I see sunsets that remind me of a time spent with someone who has since past.

I think a lot while I drive.. I think a lot about death, I think a lot about the after life.. i think a lot about the present, I think a lot about things I really shouldn't be thinking about. I think way too much.. in fact I also worry about things way too much.

Let's talk about heaven.. since I don't believe in any physical or mental god.. what do i believe in? I believe that nature is god. I believe the moon and the sun are the source of life for this planet we live on. Without them, we have no energy, we have no source of life. In heaven, I believe there is no such thing as heaven. Heaven is a term that is made up to believe that when we die, everything will be alright.. It'll make you feel better about the fact that you will eventually die alone. There will be no one going with you.. There is no hell, hell is a place that was made up for people to stay out of trouble. People are tempted towards trouble.. therefore hell looks like an evil place. Heaven is an evil place as well.. We have people down here swearing their life to a god they hardly truely know... and they'll pay every last penny in the sunday collection.. just to get to heaven. Just to make sure they're in good with god. So that when they die, they'll be granted into a wonderful, cloud scape of heavenly delight. The pearly gates? Perhaps in your dream of what heaven is like.. their is such a thing. But the way I see it, we all die, we end ... our soul carries on through the living, and we eventually get reborn.. mabe we don't get reborn.. but in the end.. when we're dead.. we're dead.. we don't exist.. No heaven.. No hell.. No god judging you.. telling you that you were a bad person, and that you didn't say enough hail mary's or our father's.. that you didn't repeat the words in mass word for word, and that you didn't sing all the songs, or go up for eucharist and receive the body and blood.. and think that you were being duped.

I've had it.. it's a new year.. I'm flat out saying I don't believe in the catholic religion that I was raised on. if I have any sense of what god is.. then that's what's between me and what I think god is. I pray the way I want to... I go to church in so many different ways than the rest of you do... I don't even know what you would give a f*ck what I'm talking about.. or why I have such a one-sided opinion on all this.

This is all about me.. trying to get past this burden of Catholicism. It's a burden because they make you feel guilty for leaving it.. or abandoning it's beliefs.. If you don't believe in god, then you aren't of this earth. Perhaps that's how I feel. Perhaps that's how I was born... a person who could never settle with the simple answer... I really have no clue why anyone would be reading all of this.. but if you have.. then I've finally gotten something off my chest that I've wanted to get off for awhile... Thank you for reading.. I see great things in the future for everyone.. If god does come again to judge the living and the dead.. then it shall be the greatest day ever... because then we would all shit our pants at the fact that god is going to judge us on that day.. and no one would be prepared.. and all those people who say they were faithful.. we'll see how they measure up.. We'll see if they have enough money to pay off god for a visit to heaven.

death my friend.. will come to you some day. explore it... enjoy it.. and never forget it.